Spirits of a Lesser God: With a blink a wink and a nod Read online

  Copyright © 2018 A. R. Forte

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

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  ISBN 978 1789012 156

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Matador is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd

  CONTENTS

  The Lion and the Lunatic

  Deeming and the Demons

  Finally leaving Lola

  David’s last call to Arms

  Forty Feet below Heaven

  Children of a Lesser God

  Minnie Bird

  Twiss

  For Fuck sake Dave

  SPIRIT OF A LESSER GOD

  Let ponder and emote

  In dark corners far remote

  But blinded by a smoke

  That passion and fire evoke

  Now wonder who you are

  A spectra near and far

  Why laugh at faith and sin

  While demons dance within

  Thy question truth and law

  While burning at the core

  Flee pussyfoot across a shore

  Where mighty waves crash and roar

  Your heart is torn asunder

  As through this world you blunder

  The sky is neither black or blue

  But lightning bolts stab at you

  Thunder rolls across the night

  Where creepy crawlies howl and bite

  A nubile beast has slipped her sleep

  Dancing naked from where you peep

  A rod of brass and copper

  A blithe and stealthy robber

  And with a blink a wink and nod

  Laughs a spirit of a lesser God.

  THE LION AND THE LUNATIC

  The door of the cafeteria burst open and the lunatic was bundled into the street by the pint-sized manager and a burly chef as some alarmed pedestrians looked on.

  “And don’t come back or I’ll call the police next time!” exclaimed the manager.

  The lunatic although angry decided that it was best to let the matter rest. Why hadn’t anybody else seen the big, gregarious man who had appeared clean out of the ether in front of him, sit down in the chair opposite and begin to taunt him? And how on earth did this man know his name? He was not going to just sit there and take this completely ‘uncalled for’ abuse. That’s why he had thrown a sugar dish at him and had exploded with some expletives of his own. Unfortunately the sugar dish had hit a woman on the head and the sugar had cascaded everywhere.

  He had suffered a bad couple of days, but at least his appetite had returned. After all, the food in asylum was exceedingly good and for some strange reason he had lost all sense of proportion after the accident, and had been shovelling food down his throat as if there was no tomorrow. What had happened between the time of being thrown through the windscreen and waking up in the hospital, was a complete mystery to him. All he knew was that when he regained consciousness he had the ability to talk to animals and understand what they were saying. The problem was that nobody believed him. After looking around the shops for an hour he decided to go to the only place where he could maintain some form of conversation albeit illogical to him, the Zoo. The only refuge from his madness, the Zoo.

  The first species to greet him as he entered the Zoo were the toucans, which were looking him up and down with beady eyes rolling around in all directions.

  “Greetings, and what an honoured guest we have today,” one said sarcastically.

  The rest of them began to chuckle and mutter to each other, “Let’s tantalise and goad him and see what pious utterances he comes out with today, the ridiculous nutcase.”

  “Greetings to you bird brain, I suppose you think you’re amusing do you?” he replied.

  “I must admit we do find you amusing, especially when your fellow man doesn’t believe you when you tell them you can talk to us and understand what we say.”

  “How come you’re all developed American accents since the last time I saw you?”

  “It’s all the American tourists with their cameras and booming voices. I don’t know what they find so comical about us, after all we’re only toucans.”

  “It’s the beak and your beady eyes old boy. You’re probably the most comical looking bird in the ornithological kingdom there is. Comical looking, but stupid.”

  To the last comment the toucans became enraged and began to fly around their cage before finally settling, lining up like infantry on their perches, then glaring at him.

  “We don’t care to talk to you now, you’re a bum and a loser. And we know all about you remember. So just leave us alone from, now on and don’t bother us anymore.”

  Their words fell on the back of the lunatic’s head, because he had already begun to walk away. As he passed the zebras enclosure a young female zebra noticed him and cautiously walked over. She blinked at him, then winked and said,

  “Hello, how are you? You look a lot better than the last time I saw you,” she said.

  “I’m very well thanks, considering all that’s happened to me. How are you young lady?”

  “I’m well thanks. My mother doesn’t like me talking to you because you’re a lunatic, and your species are all the same, deceptive, devious and deplorable liars and cheats.”

  “Well, I’ve never harmed you, have I?”

  “No, but the way you think and behave is so confusing to us.”

  “Really, I didn’t know that you knew so much about me.”

  “Oh, we know all right…I’m sorry that your wife left you, by the way.”

  “How did you know my wife left me?”

  “We just know these things, your species are completely different to us.”

  She then became coy and slightly embarrassed, before she said sympathetically,

  “It’s the damage to your brain you received, the part that plants sexual desires and gets you into all sorts of trouble. That was damaged and you lost the impulse.”

  “Impulse! What impulse?”

  “The sexual impulse, you silly boy. The impulse, which was far too strong for you has gone, the same impulse that’s got you into all sorts of trouble. Come on, you know as well as I do that’s the real reason why your wife left you and took a lover.”

  “How dare you! How dare you be so impertinent!”

  She simply looked at him impassively and said,

  “You can’t even admit the truth to yourself can you? And you wasn’t exactly a model husband, with your antics, alibis, and laughable schemes and ploys involving women.”

  The lunatic simply turned and walked away, because he knew she was telling the truth. As he passed the elephant enclosure, an ancient bull strolled up to the bars and said,

  “Greetings, loony pants, to what do we owe the pleasu
re this afternoon?”

  “Don’t you have a go at me as well, I thought as least I could talk to you lot.”

  “Well, what do you expect with your lofty opinions of yourself, your inane comments and your vain, pretentious rhetoric, commonly known to your species as bullshit.”

  “Blimey, where did you learn all that jazz…?”

  “Jazz is a musical art form, that bears no resemblance to a lunatic that likes to blow his own vile, out of key and deafening trumpet. Now split the scene, loony arse.”

  The lunatic was beginning to have regrets about coming to the Zoo this afternoon. He did not want to go back to the asylum too early, because he simply did not like the company of lunatics that did not realise that he was not really one of them. He stopped at the tiger’s enclosure and looked in. A female had her head resting on the back of a reclining, gigantic male. When she noticed him her ears pricked up and she whispered something in the ear of the male, whose back immediately tensed, and the hidden muscles along his striped body rippled like a stone being dropped into a pool. He slowly stood up and the female slid off his mighty body like a coat, which he was carelessly discarding. Waving his mighty paw he shouted at the lunatic,

  “Bugger off! Bugger off you bloody sod… Bugger off, you bloody sod!”

  This rattled all of the parrots and cockatoos that were perched in a cage opposite. In one sweeping movement they all leapt onto the bars, squawking in deafening unison,

  “Bugger off, you bloody sod! Bugger off you bloody sod!” He felt crestfallen and demoralised by this cold and unexpected reception by all of the animals. He was about to leave when he remembered that in a cage at the extreme end of the Zoo lived the King of all Kings, the lion.

  As he sauntered up to his cage he wondered if the King would even bother to hold counsel with him today, and was pleasantly surprised when the lion appeared to be thoroughly delighted to see him. The lion smiled, licked his lips and said casually,

  “Hello big boy, you’re looking well, can see you’ve put on weight. You would make rather a good meal now, instead of a tasty morsel. I would sincerely like to eat you now, killing you first of course. They must feed you well in that asylum!”

  “Well it’s nice to be wanted, even if it is in view of being a dumb beasts dinner.”

  “Dumb beast. Ah, dumb beast. Oh, big boy, how lucky you are that those stout bars are between you and I. You see, the trouble with you is that you have no finesse, no tact, and no respect for anything outside your realms of understanding. What a sorry state you’re in, big boy. Even your fellow species avoids you, simply because, well simply because you’re a raving lunatic that talks to animals and understands what they say.”

  The lunatic quietly digested what the lion had said and decided to be more conciliatory.

  “Well, ever since my accident nobody understands what I’ve been through. For example, even today a complete stranger appears out of the blue and starts insulting me. I end up being thrown out of the café, while this clown doesn’t even appear to get noticed. I don’t even know who he is, or what the hell he wants with me.”

  The lion simply smiled wryly and said,

  “I know who he is and he certainly knows who you are, big boy.”

  “Well who is he and want does he want with me?” asked the lunatic indignantly.

  “Oh, what a short, selective memory you have, big boy. Cast your mind back to about ten years ago. Remember driving like, well, like a lunatic in the pouring rain and pitch dark, along narrow country roads in your dirty great Land Rover. Remember the horrendous thud as you hit somebody and the sickening crunch as you ran right over them. Remember panicking and driving off, hoping nobody saw what you did.”

  “Well I thought it must have been a deer, or cow. How was I to know it was a man?”

  “A deer indeed. A deer riding a bicycle and wearing Wellington boots! My God man, you even believe your own diabolical excuses.”

  “How dare you take his name in vain.”

  “How dare I take his name in vain! What you really mean is how dare I take the name of the lesser God that your species has created within the parameters and realms of your own hypocrisy. The same lesser God you use to cover your dastardly deeds.”

  Well it was an accident, I didn’t mean to do it…I couldn’t risk prison with all my responsibilities. Besides, he had no lights on, it wasn’t my fault, was it?”

  “You know as well as I do that you had sunk ten pints of beer in The Fox and Hounds, you’d lost at darts and pool, which you think you’re so good at and you were in a foul mood. On top of that you’d lost all of your money in the slot machine and you were desperately trying to concoct a plausible lie to your harridan wife. In short, you were shitting yourself that you’d get caught and were very glad indeed that the deluge was washing away the blood that you had so callously spilled, full stop.”

  “Well things happen to me I don’t ask for. I have to improvise, compromise and negotiate every problem as it unexpectedly jumps me, I’m really a nice guy.”

  The lion twiddled his whiskers and almost burst out laughing.

  “If nothing else, you’d make an excellent politician big boy. But your true talents live in the realms of comedy, you’d make a brilliant clown. Why haven’t you thought about that? After all, the lies, plots, sub-plots and the excruciatingly well thought out plans you’ve used to bluff and dupe your wife are something to be admired.”

  “Well, I’m certainly glad I’ve got one redeeming feature in your eyes.”

  The lion appeared to slip into deep thought, then eyed the lunatic disturbingly.

  “A clown, yes a clown. I could use a clown regards my other interests, yes indeed.”

  “What other interests could a dumb beast who is locked in a cage, care of the ingenuity of my species, have? I don’t know how you’ve got the audacity to deride to me.”

  “Oh, your self inflicted accident hasn’t affected your vanity and ego big boy, has it?”

  “What? The accident was not my fault, it was that cocky little swine on the motorbike, who bloody well cut right in front of me. Because of him I didn’t see the lamppost and crashed right into it. I’d like to get my hands on the little bastard.”

  “It was your own road rage that catapulted you through your windscreen darling.”

  “Road rage! Road Rage! I never get road rage. I’m as cool as a cucumber!”

  “There you go, you’re not even sitting in a car and you’re having an attack of road rage

  “I don’t, and never have, suffered road rage, and don’t call me darling.”

  The lion just grinned, thoughtfully stroked his whiskers and examined his nails.

  “What really made you completely lose your cool is when the motorbike rider stuck two fingers up at you, gave you the Old Agincourt salute. That was simply the last straw and you were so enraged and so engrossed in running him down that you didn’t see the lamppost. Oh, I wish these bars were not between us big boy, because I would really take great pleasure in eating a pathetic specimen like you.”

  “Well, the bars are between us and I’d probably shoot you if they weren’t. I wish the accident never happened. Then it’s highly unlikely I’d be standing here talking to an extremely impertinent dumb beast. What on earth has happened to me?”

  The lion eyed the lunatic as if he was surprised by his last question.

  “When you damaged the left lobe and front of your brain, losing your extremely powerful libido to boot, your right lobe now has carte-blanch to interfere with your exceedingly vulgar thought processes. You now have some slight access to knowledge and perceptions of your stunted evolution in the vast chasms of your huge brain.”

  “Well, what use is that to me when everybody thinks I’m barking mad?”

  “None whatsoever, but you’ve given my a right laugh with your antics and larks.”

  “What have I done that you find so amusing?”

  The lion chuckled and said,

  “Where d
o I begin? Do you remember when the police raided that brothel and arrested you with all the other perverts? That one was absolutely hilarious.”

  “Pervert! I’m not a pervert, I was in there looking for my brother Arthur. I was worried that he was frequenting the place and being led astray and corrupted.”

  The lion roared with laughter and the other animals wondered what had amused him.

  “Come on man, Arthur hasn’t been near a brothel since he got married. You got caught with your trousers down and you know it. I almost died with laughter when you were man handled into the street with all the other perverts by the police. And the way your umbrella broke when you tried to open it in the blazing sunlight, to cover your red face from all of those photographers. What a laugh, what a superb clown you are?”

  “I was in there on an errand of mercy, to save a lost soul who needed my help.”

  “That is why you tried to bribe the press, who got some fantastic mug-shots of you, not to plant them on the front page of the local rag, but they did anyway.”

  “The swine’s, it cost me a bomb to get those photo’s and the negatives, but the treacherous, bloody sods had done plenty of copies. I could not persuade them that I was just trying to save a fallen woman, who needed a helping hand.”

  The lion was now rolling around with laughter and holding his mighty sides.

  “That’s nearly as good as the one in the Church, when you were standing behind the woman wearing a mini skirt. When you all knelt down to pray, nobody guessed why you stayed down when everybody stood up, until that old lady started beating you about the head and shoulders with a walking stick. You almost stuck your head up the girl’s skirt when you jumped up to avoid being pummelled. You know as well as I do why you got caught in the brothel. The pretty blond, who had occasionally smiled at you in the supermarket on Saturday mornings, had not been in getting her shopping for a while.”

  “So you quite unintentionally started finding excuses to go in there every day in the hope that you might see her. Then Bingo! You see her in the soap powder aisle, so you make a ploy to be looking at the soap powder. Bingo, she smiles at you and you smile back, or rather grin like a Cheshire cat. But she is in a hurry and quickly flies around the aisles, dropping items in her basket. She gets served quickly, but you realise you haven’t taken anything, so you simply pile a few things in a basket and jump in the queue behind her. Damn, the person between you and her has a trolley full of shopping, so you politely ask if you can be served first, to which the answer is, no.